Atheist Zombies from Hell

Scary Pumpking

There is a post over at the Center for Inquiry site, or what is left of it, to the effect it has not been taken over by “atheist fundamentalists.”


I have just seen Zombieland, so I feel pretty knowledgeable about what a takeover would mean.

Please, sit down.

Teams of craven secular atheists would come to your home demanding you turn over your Bibles, your rosaries, your virgin daughters.

I know, I know. Much easier to vouch for the Bibles.

Your only protection would be holy water, and they would break your cruets, laughing hysterically, and dribble it into your petunias

If you have stored communion crackers, whatever the reason, be ready to cough them up. These types are bloodless, hungry, merciless.

(But they have not taken over CFI. They are being held at bay south of Depew.)

Next they would march on Walmart, demanding that Halloween displays be taken down.

They will impale a store clerk on a flagpole if he resists. Force people to eat Kandykorn and Peeps. It’s hideous.

After all, Halloween is the Eve of all Saints Day on November 1st (“all hallows evening”), a religious holiday of the Catholic Church. The celebration of this holiday–trick-or-treating, gorging on sweets, lighting of jack o’ lanterns on front porches–must be discouraged: it violates the First Amendment.

But with atheists, it’s a matter of degree. It’s not whether you believe in God anymore. It’s what you’re willing to do about it.

The moderate secularists I know simply resort to pumpkin smashing. Or rounding up trick or treaters, reasoning with them, trying to make them understand that they are guilty of extortion.

“Listen, Jonquil: what you are doing is stealing in the name of religion,” I heard an atheist say to a little girl about to buy a fairy princess costume at Target last week.

“If you did the same thing on November 10th, we’d have to call the cops and throw you in jail.” The little girl, to her credit, understood perfectly and, fighting back a tear, asked her mother to buy her a 120 GB Ipod Touch instead.

The New Atheists, if they come to power, will ban the sale of straw brooms. You will not be able to buy a sack of caramels and a sack of apples in the same cart. Fairy costumes, forget it. You will only be able to dress up like Charles Darwin on his birthday and ask politely for
arthropods door to door.

CFI will not do this. They are decent types. Not into trickery, cheap shots or slurs.

They need offices and outreach to do what they do, and the suggestion that they are just a blog with an office–slanderous.

Blasphemy Day sort of symbolizes that, doesn’t it? The high ground. The intellectual cutting edge.

We can rest easy that the marauding atheist hordes will not invade our classrooms and take Johnnie’s hand off his chest just before he utters the dread words “Under God.”

Or (coming right up) storm the courthouse square to demolish a nativity scene and send the wise men packing back to Babylon.

We need to know that CFI stands up for the rights of the committed secularist, the little John Q. Public Unbeliever who thinks big thoughts, no matter what he or she believes. It’s secular America at its best.

Be on the right side of history: join CFI in its fight to send the atheist zombies back to hell.


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